I'm not safer than a bank, bitch.

Alright, updatey-doo!

The Shiloh thing was actually not nearly as bad as I thought it was going to be.
She's actually a really nice girl. So easy to talk to.
And, get this, she has actual talent.

Now, I'm not saying I like her music, but she's got an amazing voice. She could definitely put it to better use, but that's just my opinion. Not everyone is made to like everything.

I've been listening to a lot of Matthew Good lately.
My God, is that man ever depressing...
But I'm a little 'blah' lately, so it seems to fit.
The weird thing is, listening to such depressing bullshit makes me feel a little better, and a little worse at the same time. It cannot be explained.

But it does help me think, which in the long run, helps, I'm sure.


Anyways, I'm starting to wonder if I did the right thing with going to Starbucks.
I mean, I like it, I really do... but my boss can be a huge dickhead. Some times he's super nice, and other times, I wish it were socially acceptable to punch your manager in the face.
That's not very nice, is it? I'm sorry.

The thing is, if I wanted to transfer, he would probably hate my guts, put a bad word in for me, and then I either wouldn't get the shift supervisor promotion at another store, or I just wouldn't have great luck in the entire transferring process anyways.

I guess what I mean, really, is that I'm not regretting going to Starbucks, because I hated the theatre SO much, but I think I probably didn't pick the right location...

Oh really, Kaylee... Starbucks downtown wasn't the right location? How weird.

Obviously I know it's a 'duh' statement, but whatever.

Point is, it was stupid of me to go downtown, but smart of me to leave the theatre. And who knows... maybe things will get better... easier... you know. All that jazz.

Getting up at 3am just to get to your job by 5 isn't easy, and yet, in the morning, I say to myself "This sucks, but it sure as hell beats waking up knowing that I'll be working in the movie theatre all day."
And I suddenly laugh, because I'm taking waking up at three in the freaking morning better than I can take waking up at ten in the morning to work at the theatre.

I started feeling bitter about life again.
I think I'm angry with people I shouldn't care about.
It's not my problem anymore. I shouldn't have let their antics and stupidity get to me.

It just blows my mind that people I have been there for, are on the opposite side of things, and I wonder, why would they trust someone like that, when they know what they've done to other people? Why would they set themselves up for such a fall?
And of course, the ever-so-selfish, I have been there for you for so long, why are you taking their side? It is completely unfair.

I guess it's because I have so many unanswered questions. Or maybe just the one... "Why?"
"Why would you do that?"
"Why do you think it's okay?"
"Why did you lie when you were caught?"
"Why?"

It's not like it was a serious relationship (thank God I don't have sex, or I'd be crazy, I think), but it's the lying that gets to me.
It bothers me, because it makes me think that he thought I was an idiot, and wouldn't know better. It bothers me because I was thought to be naive enough to believe him.
It bothers me because he thought I'd never find out.
It bothers me because when I did, he lied, saying it wasn't true.
IT BOTHERS ME, BECAUSE NOW I DO FEEL LIKE AN IDIOT.
IT BOTHERS ME, BECAUSE I TRUSTED HIM NOT TO BE SOMEONE LIKE THAT.

Oh, but wait, I seem to have forgotten, according to him "we weren't really dating.. we didn't do any of the dating stuff, so it doesn't matter."
What IS 'dating stuff', may I ask?
Because as far as I knew, going out to see movies, and have dinner was a date... Calling me your girlfriend is a 'dating thing'... cuddling up and watching a movie seems sort of 'datey' to me.
But I don't know... maybe I've got a traditional mind for this sort of thing. These are modern times. I was probably just ill-informed.

It's been over a month, and I'm still angry. I shouldn't be, and that's what makes me even more angry. Because he is a worthless person. I shouldn't care.
But I've found it's not him that I care about... It's what happened, I think.

Anyways, I think I just needed to let these thoughts go. They've been pent up for quite a while. I think to just let this go, I needed a release. And I hope this is it.

Sorry this entry wasn't so happy.
A little angry, perhaps?
But, it helps to get it out there. Try it sometime.

Made it 14 City Blocks Without Breathing....

Okay, so..
It's nearly 2 am, and I should SO be sleeping.
But... I can't. =(

I keep thinking about England. I keep thinking about how much fun it could have been if I had just decided to keep it as a holiday. Or maybe tried harder to get a job.
Would I still be there now?
Or would I have missed home too much?

I looked at some pictures, and it made me sad to see them. I miss it a little. I miss the good days. I am sad about the bad days, still wishing that they could have gone better.

I'm sad for friendships that will never be rekindled.

I know I can't go back and change anything... And the only way to get over something is to move forward, and not dwell... But, oh I don't know. I wish things had gone better.

Sometimes I want to cry about how everything turned out.
I lost friends, I starved, I literally lost all confidence in myself.
It took me so long to find myself again.

I think the reason I'm thinking about it lately, is because I feel like I'm losing myself all over again.
I don't want to lose myself.
I want to be happy with myself. Inside and out.
And I'm not. At all.
I feel like I'm gaining weight again.
I feel like an elephant all over again.
I don't like my hair. I think it looks terrible.
But I'm too scared to change it.
I'm too scared to do anything about everything.

I need to take action.
But how?

Uh, hi.. WTF?

Hello thar.

I've quit my job.
Finally.


My manager asked me why... I couldn't tell her the real reason. Because if I did, I probably would have ended all chances of coming back in an in-case-of-emergency situation.

So, I have gone from making $11.25 an hour, to a whopping $9.00 an hour.
Yes, you heard me right.
I am in fact, making LESS.

That is how much I needed to leave.

But at least with this job, I get a tip-out, and benefits, AND free coffee, ANDDDDDDDDD discounts.
It's more than I can say for the theatre... Where you could have free movies, but with restrictions. (meaning never for me.)

So, yes. I have left the theatre...
Well, not quite, my technical last day is next Tuesday.
But then I have to come back on Friday to be an assistant to some pop singer named Shiloh.
That should be interesting.
You can bet your asses (all 3 of you that read this...), that I will blog about that experience.

And if you don't know who Shiloh is, look her songs up on YouTube.
Do it.

Anyways.

I am super excited about my new job.
Like, you do not even know.

It means early mornings (puke), but I can make myself adapt, I think.... I hope.
And everyone I've met there seem so cool, and nice. Very welcoming. I love it.

Well, that's pretty much all the new in my life.

At least I'm blogging more often now ;-)