Merry Christmas to all, and all that jazz.

So, I have currently not opened one present.
it's 10:30am.
And I don't care, haha.

It doesn't feel like Christmas, at all.
I think it's partly because there aren't 1000 family members crowding my shit, and I wasn't screamed at to wake up at 6:30 in the morning.

I have been having a crappy holiday week.

But a very goodlooking boy cheered me up yesterday.
I should have been less awkward, and more "o hay boi hurrs mah numba"
But come on... it's me. And I wouldn't do that in a million years.

But would we like to hear what happened?
Too bad, I'm telling the story anyways.


So I was all, makin' drinks, like I do... and this very nice looking guy comes up to the handoff plane, and asks if I can refill his water cup.
So I say "Of course I can, it's what I'm here for."
And he says "Oh, good! Because I am tres thirsty."
"Tres, huh?"
"Yes, it means 'very' in French."
"No way! You are so worldly"
"Yes way. And you are tres cute."
Me: *blush* "Well, I'm speechless."
"You're also tres awesome for working Christmas eve. And don't worry, you'll be out of here soon." *wink*

I melted, but kept my cool on the outside.

I'd like to say it was because I am always cute, but I'm pretty sure it's because I was wearing 'the dress.'
You see, this dress is magical, and flatters my body in every way possible.
And even though I was wearing a green apron, he could tell that I was hot stuff. ;-)
lol ya rite.
But srs. I am almost positive that dress is magical.

I wanted him to stay.
I have a feeling I am like a 9.8 on the desperate scale, LOLOL (I'm sure only a few people will get this joke, since it's more of an inside thing.)
It's harder to nab a boy when you don't have sex.

I don't actually need a guy. But the holidays make me feel realllllly lonely.
How sad.

I am currently waiting to leave to pick my brother up from the airport.
Don't tell him this, but I really miss him.
I haven't seen him in a very long time.
And even though he pretends not to care about me, I know he loves me, deep down.
I'm excited to see his girlfriend, too. She's amazingly nice, and everyone in my family loves her.
I hope he keeps this one.

I don't know if I have much more to write, but I'm sure I will in the future. So there will probably be another update today, or tomorrow.
Either full of angst about stupid family members, or joy at how much fun this Christmas has been.
WHAT SHALL IT BE!?

So when are you going to realize those are not your wrongs to right?

I am currently sitting on the train.
How exciting.

I'm on my way to work on the most depressing day of the year for those
with seasonal affective disorder. The winter solstice! Oh how witty I
am.

I was thinking about how my manager wants me promoted to ASM in less
than 6 months... And it sort of scares me. Scares me to the point
where I might just mess it all up in some sort of a self-sabotage kind
of way.

I mean, I know it would be good. More money, higher rank, and all that
jazz. But with that comes more responsibility and stress... And I
don't want any mote stress... Not right now, anyways. Well, not ever,
really... Who WANTS stress?

I just don't want to feel like I've bit off more than I can chew. I'm
not one who likes choking.

I'm also getting that pathetic oh so lonely feeling. I think it's
because new years eve is approaching, and it is yet another
unmemorable year. I guess there's always 2010.

Also, I feel I should apologize to any grammar Nazis that are reading
this thing. I am writing this on my phone, so some words that should
have capitals won't, and some words may be misspelled due to me being
too lazy to go back and fix them.
Now I know most of you wouldn't give two shits about this, but I do,
because it will pain me to read this later with all the mistakes I've
made in it.
I swear I have some form of OCD.

Anyways, back to my life, and how you all don't care.
lolwut >.>

I don't even remember the rest of what I was going to write. So maybe
this will call for an update later. This has been a great time killer
for my train ride though. Maybe I should just write on the train more
often, and tell everyone exactly what I'm seeing and thinking.

This probably won't end up happening, though. Hah.

Anyways train ride is nearly done... Peace out bros.

Okay, okay, okay. There's been way too much angst.

Okay, so my life isn't so great right now, but people have it worse.
I know they do.
And it would be selfish to think that my life is the worst ever, because we all know it's not.

But seriously...
When you get into a car accident, get burnt like at least 5 times, spill hot steamed milk all over yourself, cry in front of strangers, have to beg bums for change, and get into a fight with one of your closest friends all in one week, it makes you reaaaallly want to think selfishly for a little while.

And I definitely have been.

I mean, I don't have it good right now, but I have a home, and I have friends, and I have a family that loves me (even though they get on my last nerve sometimes.)
And so, I don't have it completely terrible, even though sometimes it feels like it, haha.

So, I need to live life with a more positive outlook. Because if I don't, I'm going to start feeling more depressed than I do right now.
And I'm not a depressed person, so I need to stop feeling like I am.
And I need to sleep more.
Boy do I need to sleep more.

But I am going to ask for a little understanding from my friends.
If I'm not the happiest of people on certain days, or I'm tired... I'm sorry.
But maybe it's because I am tired. I work 2 jobs, and I am getting too stressed to sleep properly.
It sucks, but it won't be forever. Just bear with me.

And now onto my troubling thought of the day...
Since I am so poor, how am I to afford Christmas presents for people? Especially those who have bought for me?
Shit.

I want to title this entry "Things I will never actually tell you."

There are a lot of things that I would like to say to a lot of people, but I feel I can't, because it would either make me a giant bitch, or feel vulnerable.

So, here comes the easy way out.
I will just number things, and then say what I feel about certain people.

That way, you all can think you're the worst/best one, and hate/love me for it.

1)I really don't want to see your face again. And to hear that I will soon makes me want to punch a small child.

2)I liked the connection we had. It was like, we were a secret duo. But something confirmed that we don't have it anymore, and I have been replaced. I don't feel too good about that, but this feels like one of those situations where, if I try to get that connection back, it will just end unsuccessfully. But it's not like I didn't see it coming. I honestly knew it would, it just kind of sucks... a lot.

3)You are probably my closest friend right now, and sometimes I get scared that I'll get too annoying for you, and push you away, and then I'll have no one. So I'm sorry if I do annoy you sometimes.

4)Seriously, this better not change you, because I will not support you in anything if you decide to push everyone else in your life to the backburner. I cannot stand when people do that. I shouldn't say I won't support you in anything, but I know for sure our friendship will be ruined if you do that. It will be hard for me to trust you, and to want to be around you.

5)You already have pushed your friends away.

6)I love you, bro. But you know this is going to end badly. It did the last 3 times.

7)You gross me out. I don't know what it is. And it's super mean to say something like that, but seriously, you gross me out. And almost everything you do annoys the piss out of me.

8)When you called me, it cheered me up. And then I got sad, because I remembered how long it actually was since I had talked to you that normally.

9)Part of me still wishes we had never stopped being friends

10) I miss your guts! This one applies to at least 3 or 5 people right now. I miss your faces people! See me!


And now on to what I am personally feeling right now.

I feel stressed at work. Both places.
I don't know if what I'm doing is the right thing, but I suppose I'm just hoping it is.

I feel really alone.
Like, I have things that I want to say, but I can never end up saying them to anyone. And not just what's written above, but... what I feel on an ongoing basis.
So it's always just "fine"
Or "I'm... alright."
Because instead of "fine" or "alright", I can't manage to say "Yeah, I'm really shitty. I'm stuck at two jobs, and I don't make enough money at either one. I'm really far in debt, and I can never seem to find a way out. I feel like I don't ever have any time off, and it stresses me out.", or "I just feel really alone, you know? Like, I just want someone in my life that cares deeply about me. And just that alone feeling is enough to keep me down."
I especially can't tell people the second one, because then I'm just weird. And very weak for not embracing my singlehood.

I really wanted to write more, but I keep falling asleep, and I wanted to get this much down before I forgot.
Toodles and shit.